I Miss You Most (At Christmas Time)
by amorevna
Summary: Elena's feeling depressed about being forced to go home by Damon during the holidays and spends time reminiscing, yearning, and gaining insight with the help of a friend. Post-4x09, Pre-4x10. Elena-centric, DE.


This small one-shot takes place immediately after 4x09 and before 4x10. It's fairly close to Christmas on the show, yet Elena is separated from both Jeremy and Damon, the two people she is closest to at the moment. I just wanted to take a look into her mind during the holiday season.

Also, Naty (ohmypreciousgirl on here and tumblr) – who is such a sweet, funny, and smart girl – inspired me. She requested a few weeks ago more fluffy DE holiday fic instead of all the smut. Well, honey, here's your gift although it's a **way** late (and maybe not quite as fluffy DE-centered…I honestly tried)! Happy holidays and have a very happy new year!

_[Assume Matt doesn't know anything about the sire bond or about the hybrid slaughter that occurred (Bonnie and Elena know nothing at this point either). Also, I'm going by the 4x10 promo and synopsis that Matt is going to help Jeremy and Damon at the lake house. Italics are mostly used as thoughts.]_

* * *

"_Make my wish come true…. all I want for Christmas is you! Ooh baby!"_

"Ugh!" forgetting herself and groaning in frustration, Elena violently switches off the radio station. She takes a few deep breaths before turning to Bonnie in the driver's seat. Tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear, she attempts to smile sheepishly (and comes off grimacing as is becoming her norm).

"Sorry, Bon," Elena pauses, trying to get the words out properly without sounding like the Grinch, "Holiday music tends to get boring after awhile." It's true though – one can only take so many repeats of _'Chestnuts roasting on an open fire' _and '_I'll be home for Christmas_' before wanting to plug their ears – and Bonnie's been keeping the holiday station on for the past half hour on their way back from the lake house. However, Elena can tell by the sympathetic brown eyes whirling her way that Bonnie isn't buying her excuse. She starts to take an unneeded breath when the other girl starts speaking.

"It's my fault, really, I should've realized that sappy carols aren't the best remedy right now," Bonnie says, giving her an apologetic look. Now Elena truly feels like a lovesick fool; seriously who else but the pining, lonely people in the world hates Christmas music during the winter season? Before she can throw her most disgruntled façade at her friend, Bonnie starts talking again. "Listen, you know I'm not Damon's biggest fan, but I'm not really siding with Caroline on this either because you seemed so happy the other day. And it's totally understandable after what happened tonight..." pausing to take the exit for Mystic Falls, Bonnie waits to see if her despondent friend will contribute, but silence is the only response. She sighs and gathers her thoughts. "Well anyways, you're always welcome to spend Christmas with me if you want, since I guess we're both alone. My dad hasn't been too insistent on the typical turkey dinner, but it might be fun?"

As the Prius drives past the "Welcome to Mystic Falls" sign, Elena fights internally. A part of her feels terrible for wanting to refuse. Bonnie's offer is too kind (_for someone who's been through so much pain because of me_, Elena thinks) and while normally tempting, being forced to leave Jeremy and _ohgod_ Damon during the holiday season – the last members of her little makeshift family – ensures that she'll be worse company for her friend. (There was a time when they were sisters but all Elena can think of is Katherine's words of Bonnie's hatred in her Conner-induced hallucinations). The other part of her though feels justified in simply retreating to her empty house and feeling desolate. _I never really have gotten to just cry over everything have I? _Elena keeps these thoughts to herself and instead gives Bonnie a little half-smile and nods. "Thanks for the offer Bon, that sounds like fun."

Pacified, Bonnie doesn't say anything else as they turn onto Maple Street. Once the car comes to a stop on the curb, Elena finds herself in an odd-turned hug from the girl in the driver's seat. Elena lets herself sink into the familiar warmth for a few seconds, suddenly feeling so grateful for her best friend. "Thank you so much Bonnie, for everything." Bonnie hasn't judged her relationship (if that's what it could still be called) with Damon; instead she's tried to help by asking Shane about sire bonds. These heartfelt words get caught in Elena's throat, but Bonnie just smiles and nods and nothing else needs to be said. Grabbing her bag, Elena walks out of the car and up the sidewalk to the porch, looking back and waving to Bonnie as she drives away. After digging the key out of her purse, Elena takes a deep breath before opening the door to the house that's no longer really hers.

Dropping her bags lazily near the door, as Elena makes her way to the stairs, she catches a peak of evergreen in the living room. Irritation growing – all she wants to do is collapse in her bed and let every single emotion exit her body – Elena walks into the room to find the floor covered in boxes filled with multicolored lights and ornaments before her eyes are drawn to the plastic tree standing in the corner. She reaches onto a fake branch – it's the one that got a little burnt from when her mother was holding a candle by the tree five year ago. Unbidden tears spring up, and Elena chokes down a sob. _Mommy, _she thinks, _I need you right now._ Her mother would know what to do. Miranda would tuck her into bed, make her that rich special-occasion mix of cocoa that was ordered from a New York City bakery, and then would let Elena just spill out everything – about Damon, her confusion, the sire bond, and her feelings – before giving her own input. _Mom always had the best advice, _Elena remembers what Miranda had told her the day of the accident about letting people go, and wonders what she would've thought about Elena's current situation with Damon. _Oh I won't think about that now,_ she repeats Scarlett O'Hara's mantra in her head because there's no use getting sad over things that she can't change.

Rubbing her eyes, Elena gets up and walks into the kitchen, opening the fridge before remembering that there aren't any blood bags in the house. Sure she drank at the lake house earlier during the day, but a little more would help her control the torrent of emotions that are bubbling under the surface. She hasn't tried stealing (_ugh the concept's still strange and immoral but necessary for her new lifestyle_) blood bags from the hospital yet, and the only person she'd want to take her and teach her how just forced her away from him. And while Elena knows that she could always go to the Boarding House, the thought of running into Stefan and maybe even Caroline is enough to make her see red. The mere thought of her ex-boyfriend and friend plotting together against her and Damon makes her fangs start to drop. _They did this, they put these ideas in Damon's head and that's why he made me leave – why he doesn't believe me_, she starts seething, not even realizing that the countertop has started to crack underneath her fingers. The opening and closing of the front door snaps Elena out of her anger and she catches the faint smell of dishwater, sweat, and frying oil. _Matt_, she remembers, _he's been staying here with Jeremy; they must've put up the Christmas tree. _

"Woah, um, hey Elena!" Matt greets, sounding surprised at her being in her own house. "I didn't know you'd be back so soon…where's Jer? How'd everything go with Shane?" he says in a rush, stuffing leftovers from the Grill into the fridge.

"I think we've got it figured out, Jeremy's in a better place now but he's still at the lake house working on it," Elena gives a little half smile, remembering how it felt to hug her brother in her arms without being worried about harming each other.

"But…" Matt gives her a penetrating look. When she doesn't respond, he starts again, "So did Damon drop you off or…?" He lets the question hang.

"Bonnie, actually, since Damon," she has to choke down the swell of sadness that comes over her, "well, Damon's decided to stay with Jer and help him work on his Hunter control."

There's a moment of silence between the two of them, and Elena's contemplating making her escape with the excuse of showering before Matt starts speaking softly.

"Listen, Elena, about Stefan and Damon…you know I won't take sides or anything and that, well, I'll always be your friend. Now that I'm in the supernatural loop, I have an idea of just how much you've been through and I really just want you to be happy, especially if you're gonna be around for an infinite amount of time and all that."

Elena hears the words he's not saying – _you can talk to me because I'll listen, if you want._ The thoughtful expression on Matt's face combined with his sincere words feel like a hammer smashing the carefully constructed walls built around her heart after Damon made her leave him.

"Oh Matty…" she sighs, folding into one of the chairs at the kitchen table, "it's just a giant mess." Elena brings up her fingers to massage at her forehead; just thinking about how to continue causes an ache.

"Ok, so what's the problem?" He probes, and Elena has a flashback to the both of them sitting at the same table many weeks ago before she'd turned, talking about love and being torn and **consumption**.

"He consumes me, Matt, completely and every part of my mind and my heart just needs to be with him now…all I know I want to do is get in my car, drive back to the lake house, and then waver between kissing him and slapping him because **he forced me to go!** But I can't, every single cell in my body's telling me to stay here, to not contact him and touch him or tell him everything in my heart." Seeing confusion on Matt's face, she continues. "I'm sired to Damon, and even though it only effects my actions not my feelings, he doesn't believe me. He told me to leave and I couldn't not listen to him." A few tears of sadness and frustration leak out of her eyes, but Elena catches them with the back of her hand before they can fall.

"And it was so right and new – that one day where we were both happy, **we were both so damn happy!** And even after we found out about the bond…at the lake house it felt so good to have him beside me and to be with Jer and Bonnie, working together as if we were a family. But it's the holidays now and instead of spending it with together, we're apart and unhappy, me here and him alone with my brother who might want to kill him."

Matt looks at her with sympathy. "Jesus, Elena, I didn't know about this sire bond thing…so let me get this straight – you're with Damon now, turns out you're sired to him and have to obey him?"

"Yep!" She rolls her eyes mockingly. "I guess…but I know my feelings for him are real, they've been there before I turned, you and I even talked about it!"

"Elena, does Damon actually know what kind of feelings you have for him?" Matt can see he's thrown her off. "I mean, look I was there in the car that night…you chose Stefan over him even after everything he did for you while Stefan was gone. I'm not blaming you, I'm just looking at this from his perspective."

Elena's giving him a blank look, so Matt quickly adds with a slight blush, "Sex doesn't equal love in people's minds, especially someone like him."

"Oh god!" She whispers desolately. "But he has to know…he has to, after everything that's happened recently, he has to know how much I care about him – how much I **need**him! And…" Elena trails off, realization hitting her as she shrinks into herself. Matt doesn't really know how to respond, and the two childhood friends and exes sit in silence for a minute until a dinging sound blasts from Matt's pocket. Opening the flip cover to read the text, a confused look appears on his face.

"Uhh…it's Damon," he says, apologetic. "He's saying that since Bonnie's gone, Jeremy needs another human he's close to who can help him control his vampire-hating urges." Matt stops, looking at Elena. "Does he mean me?"

A part of Elena feels envious; Damon's looking to Matt – a human he doesn't even really like – for help instead of to her, his lover and Jeremy's sister. But she pushes back the green feeling and instead focuses on being rational.

"I think it's a good idea, Matt. Jer needs someone human to anchor him. Bonnie's back home to spend Christmas with her dad, and he barely knows Shane. You guys have been living together, Jer trusts you Matt, and you're like an older brother." Elena knows she doesn't have to say please.

Matt sighs heavily and shrugs. "Aw, what the hell, it's not like I was planning on doing anything on Christmas. And if it'll help Jer get closer to normal than that's all that matters. I can leave tomorrow morning if you want, but I don't know if you're gonna be alright by yourself."

Elena jumps up and hugs him tightly. "Oh, really Matt? You don't know how relieved this makes me! And I'll be fine…Bonnie's invited me over so I might take her up on that." He hugs her back, and then they both pull away. "Listen I'm gonna go shower and head to bed. But thank you, so much, for listening to everything I had to say. I think you're one of my greatest friends right now." He smiles brightly as she walks out of the kitchen and up the stairs towards her bedroom.

In the shower, however, Elena's left alone with only her reflections. Worry for Jeremy mixes with gratefulness to Matt and Bonnie, but above all Damon dominates her mind. At first it's just a passing thought – _Damon's showerhead was so much more powerful than the one I'm using right now _– but then memories of their first night together and their morning after bombard her.

She feels herself getting hot, feels the start of that aching warmth rush below to her clit, remembering the way they moved against each other and how they'd kissed at times with fangs but mostly just their lips and their hands and their tongues all over each other's bodies. She remembers how sexy it made her feel to reduce **the **Damon Salvatore into a gasping mess with simply her mouth and her hands on his cock, and the feeling of coming so hard she'd bloodily marked his back and him doing the same immediately after. She remembers running very, **very** late to school (with a good excuse of course) and trying to rapidly take a PG-rated shower without getting her hair wet while Damon lathered up her body, paying special attention to her breasts and nipping at her neck. As turned on as Elena is, remembering the contrast between how happy and playful Damon was before sending her off to school and his façade later that day and at the lake house the next only dampen her mood.

His walls coming up as she pleaded with tears in her eyes that everything was real and so right. The way he turned from her bitterly at the lake house even though she'd tried. The water in the shower starts becoming cooler, and Elena sighs, shutting off the taps and grabbing her fluffy blue towel to dry off. As she prepares for bed, two things keep playing on repeat through her mind: Damon's passionate words _(To know after all this time that I've been completely in love with you that what you felt for me was __real__.) _and Matt's wisdom (_I'm just looking at this from his perspective.)_.

And then Elena remembers what she herself had revealed to Caroline and Bonnie although nobody had paid attention – _I think I'm falling in love with him – _and it rushes over her. Of course, everything made sense now. Why did it hurt so much to let Damon go the night she'd died? Why was it hurting this much now to know she couldn't be with Damon no matter how hard she'd tried to fight his command? Neither of these feelings could be chalked up to the sire bond, especially the former, as those were some of her last human moments.

She, Elena Gilbert, is in love with Damon Salvatore. And this only makes her more depressed, because she has no way to tell him, aside from using her phone but that's completely high school-like and their relationship is something greater. _How the hell am I supposed tell him without being able to see him…and how would he believe me?_

The sudden sound of a group of carolers singing across the street snaps Elena out of her reverie and her head turns towards her bedroom window hastily when her eyes fall upon her journal and she just knows exactly how'll she tell him. Her old confidant rests across the pillows propped up against the bay window. Pulling out her best fine-tipped pen from the green pencil case on her desk, she then settles into her writing nook, the Christmas lights from neighboring homes and the lyrics of the untraditional carols _(Mariah Carey, really?)_ acting as her background setting.

It takes Elena about an hour to translate what she thinks and feels onto paper, but by the end of it she feels drained yet hopeful. Her heart has been poured into this letter, every single part of it – her confusion, her mistakes, but mostly just her love that has been buried deep inside for the longest time. Tomorrow is Christmas, though, and while Elena had been planning on giving Damon a bottle of bourbon weeks ago, she knows this letter needs to be given accompanied with a more meaningful gift so that he will realize that it's real. Rummaging through her bedside drawer, she finds the perfect present – a picture she's kept secret from the rest of the world, yet closest to her heart.

* * *

_(Almost 5 years later…)_

"Babe, could you pass me my credit card?"

Elena rolls her eyes in exasperation, grabbing her boyfriend's wallet as she passes from the kitchen to the living room of the giant Boarding House. Digging through the different compartments, she replies, "I honestly don't understand why you don't just keep it on you, considering you're always so OCD about having other things lying around the house."

Approaching from behind the seated form on his favorite armchair, she tosses the blue metal card onto his lap and then proceeds to wrap her arms around his shirtless body while trying to sneak a look at whatever he's ordering on the Internet.

"Tsk, tsk Elena, what have I told you about trying to peak?" Damon smirks as he pulls one of her fingers into his mouth to suck on, effectively distracting her from seeing one of her Christmas gifts before the actual day. Speedily typing in his credit card information and clicking the checkout button, he then shuts the laptop from his girlfriend's prying eyes and places it on the coffee table. "Besides, I would've had my wallet in my jeans if _someone_ hadn't jumped me in the kitchen while making breakfast."

Damon's blue eyes flash, half-teasing and half-seductive, as he starts placing languid kisses on her left palm and wrist. He can feel her softly sigh, and brings her around to face him and sit on his lap so he can kiss her more thoroughly.

"Not fair!" she whines as he nuzzles and then softly bites her neck with blunt teeth, "You know you look sexy when you cook!"

He pulls back to take in her attire (or lack thereof) and then groans as Elena rolls against him. "And you definitely know how much it turns me on when you wear my shirt." He makes to remove the black material from her body when she turns to pick up a piece of paper off the floor.

"Something must've fallen out of your wallet," She holds up what looks like a folded envelope, and upon seeing Damon's odd expression (_embarrassed?_) she speeds across the room to open the creased package before he can grab it back.

"Let me guess…a secret Christmas present?" Elena giggles with a twinkle in her eye, before she unfolds the flap to find a very familiar picture and wrinkled paper. "Oh…" She trails off, not really knowing what to say.

Her eyes fly across the words she wrote half a decade ago, and although they have faded from being traced and folded so many times, she knows them by heart. Elena then touches the picture of her seventeen year-old self, dancing in a blue dress with Damon, both of them captivated by each other. She looks up to find him right in front of her, his bright blue eyes wide. "I hadn't realized that you'd kept it all this time," She says softly.

He takes the letter and picture from her hands, folds them back up into his wallet, before cupping her face. "That night – at the lake house after I'd sent you home – I was feeling so lost and confused. And then you gave me this…or well, you gave it to Matt who gave it to me when he came to help Jer…and nobody had ever done something like that for me before, poured their heart out even though you couldn't say it to my face." Damon pauses, looking vulnerable. "It meant so much to me…why wouldn't I have kept it?"

Elena presses a deep kiss to his lips and wraps her arms around his neck. "You make me so happy, you know that right?" she asks, smiling tenderly at him while playing with the ends of his hair. "I don't know what I would've done if you hadn't believed me then!" The thought saddens her, even though they've been happy for so long now.

Damon shushes her. "Now no more of these maudlin thoughts. It's Christmas tomorrow after all, I'd say we should start celebrating early!" He has that familiar panty-dropping smirk plastered on his face now, but Elena can still see the raw love in his eyes.

"Well then, Mr. Salvatore, would it be very forward of me to ask you to take me to bed?" Elena winks and then saunters away towards the staircase. Damon speeds behind her to pull her over his shoulder and rush them to his bedroom, the sound of her giggles echoing through the halls.

_The End._

* * *

**A/N: **Thanks to my BFF Brittany who doesn't even watch TVD but looked over this for me during her own winter break! As I haven't written ANYTHING since about 2 years ago, constructive criticism is **extremely** welcome! I'd like to get back into writing again, so any helpful recommendations would be lovely to receive. Once again, happy New Year!


End file.
